Strikethrough represents items cut from the DVD version.
Red is for notes from me.
There is no video for this part. The screen displays the message “THIS EPISODE HAS BEEN EDITED FROM THE BROADCAST VERSION.”
Announcer: What are these creatures running from? They're not. They're running to the World's Scariest Competition in Town. It's a special "Monster Edition".
Tonight, real monsters take on commercial mascots. It's a classic battle of Mad Science vs. Madison Avenue.
So get fired up for MXC, Most Extreme Elimination Challenge. And now, two guys who can't get enough "ghoul on ghoul" action, Kenny Blankenship and Vic Romano!
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Vic: Welcome! We have got a great show today, huh Ken?
Kenny: Yeah, all these monsters here, it's pretty scary isn't it?
Vic: Ah, don't forget their arch-rivals, the Product Mascots.
Led by their team captain, Piss in Boots, from Cat Scat Kitty Litter.
Kenny: Here's the Monster's captain, Clamula the Giant Hairless Clam. He kills his enemies with a foul fishy odor.
Vic: Indeed he does. Alright Kenny, what do you say we get things started?
All: Let's get started!
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Announcer: Now we go to Captain Tenneal, who unfortunately is at home on sick leave.
Captain: Thanks fellas. I'm feeling a little cold coming on so I'm at home today, surrounded by some MXC staffers who dropped by to wish me well. And also join me in a shallow [unintelligible] of TheraRum.
All:
Captain: Oh, boy. Yeah. 80 proof TheraRum, that'll kill the common cold. Why, Guy, what brings you to the Captain's lair?
Guy: Skipper, I'm your partially certified in-house male care-giver. Ooh, you feel feverish.
Captain: Why, Guy, I've never seen you without your show makeup. What's this?
Guy: I made you two liters of homemade salve to rub all over you. Soon your passages will be open for business!
Captain: Just tell them about the games.
I have no idea why the previous scene with Guy and the Captain got cut, since they showed the bit after Guy announces today's games, which seems to have all the same people in shot.
Guy (v/o): First, we make a big splash with "Sinkers and Floaters", then we gut it out with "Intestinal Fortitude", next it's "Dry Balls", and finally, "The Impassable Stones of Mount McKidney" (there is no video when Guy talks about "The Impassable Stones of Mount McKidney", as that entire game got cut). Now, back to us!
Captain: Thanks Guy, super read. So while I continue to convalesce, let's get back to the action.
Guy: I'm woozy.
Captain: You're overdoing it there. That TheraRum is strong. Pace yourself. But let's hear it for TheraRum!
All: Yeah! Woo Hoo! Yeah!
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Kenny: Let's go! Kenny replaces the Captain as the one who leads people to each event in this episode, which is why they had the scene with the Captain explaining that he was sick.
All challenges feature Kenny and Vic speaking via voiceovers, unless noted.
Vic: And we are off to our first challenge! And there's Blue Flamer, blasting the wall open with his methane-pumping breath! And the monsters and mascots are on their way to competition. Look at them, thundering through the wreckage and ruins of what was once a great wall. There's the Laviator; Timmy the Nad, the posterboy for testicular cancer; and the rest.
Vic: We're off to "Sinkers and Floaters", where contestants skip across the slippery stones, without getting a mouth full of septic sludge.
First off for the mascot team, representing Cat Scat Litter, Piss in Boots.
Kenny: Yeah, they have a great slogan. "My box is so fresh you can eat out of it."
Vic: Ah, memorable stuff Ken. And there he is prancing across the stones, and oh, nothing worse than the smell of a wet cat.
Kenny: My cat Mr. Sphincter used to smell up the dishwasher until I shaved him.
Vic: Good tip Ken. And first up for the monsters, that's Allazilla Babaganoush, the murderous, mutated eggplant from the Middle Eastern reaches of the Milky Way.
Kenny: Yeah, he's got a sidekick. His name is Shish Kebabatron.
Vic: A terrifying duo of mutated monster mayhem.
Kenny: And skewered meat.
Vic: Right you are, Ken, and he has skewered himself and he is into the fluid.
And here's Chief Wampum Morongo Pechanga, the mascot for the Native American Casino Association.
Kenny: Yeah, Nana Blankenship has her Social Security checks direct-deposited at their casinos.
Vic: Good to know, Ken. There he is starting off cautiously from the shore. Oh, into a Twinkle-toed Tepee Tap! A double one! Oh, and can't pull off the third Ken, and he is face-down! Let's take another look.
Kenny: Yeah, he just couldn't get the lift out of those wooden wings.
Vic: Right you are Ken, and now he's face down like a little canoe without a paddle. Let's go down to Guy.
Morongo Pechanga: Well, it was an open casting call, but I guess I really nailed the character. That's how I got the job.
Guy: Oh, that is so exciting. May I gently touch one of your knots?
Vic: Next up, Jawbreaker. Part man, mostly shark.
Kenny: Look, he's running with his lunch in his mouth.
Vic: Oh, and he's down Ken. Well, he should have waited at least a half hour before trying "Sinkers and Floaters" with a meal like that.
Kenny: Well, I hope he brought enough for everyone.
Vic: Right you are Ken. It's just poor sportsmanship and poor etiquette to sit there and eat in front of everyone like that.
Kenny: Let's take another look at that. Yeah, right here. Look at all the gunky man-meat stuck in his teeth.
Vic: I hope he flosses. Next up, the mascot for the Puskateer, the one and only mouth-sore drainage system.
Kenny: "No pus, no fear, with the Puskateer!"
Vic: Right you are Ken. And he has lanced himself a win for the mascots.
Kenny: And next up is Shmego, the evil flesh-hooded monster.
Vic: Oh, he's down!
Kenny: Yeah, you can smell him coming because of the cheese under his hood.
Vic: Right you are Ken. Let's take another look at that run.
Kenny: Yeah, right here you can see his hood peeled back, exposing his cheesy blue-veined head. He should have had some kind of Trojan helmet on underneath that hood.
Vic: Right you are Ken.
And here's Uncivil Liberty, the lovable mascot of Our Land Is Our Land, the anti-immigration movement.
Kenny: Oh, and he goes down hard on his green card.
Vic: Right you are Ken, and that's our MXC Impact Replay. Look at this. Uncivil Liberty sets off in the pursuit of happiness, but in the end he takes it in the INS.
And here's the dreaded Flemlezor.
Kenny: Yeah, he was hocked up from the planet Emphesemiya.
Vic: Right you are, and there's his approach, into a mucusy mouthful, and he just loogies himself, Ken.
And last but not least, for you martini drinkers, you'll recognize this lovable icon. It's Pitts, the Dirty Olive.
Looks like he might be a little oversaturated.
Oh, he's back on his feet, and there he goes. Taking another run at it Ken. Oh, he's plopped himself into the drink.
Kenny: Somebody get a toothpick.
Vic: Right you are Ken, he is shaken and stirred. So, thank's to the Puskateer, the mascots have muscled their way past the monsters, 1 to nothing.
Kenny: Hey, Vic, you could use one of those Puskaeteer things. You always get those giant cold sores in your mouth.
Vic: Yes, it's all controlled medically now.
Kenny: When you bite on them, they stink really bad.
Vic: Let's go to commercial, Ken.
Announcer: Coming up on MXC, it's the gut-wrenching "Intestinal Fortitude". Hope you don't get a runny tummy, Pepto! closed captioning lists this as D'ohh!, which is not correct
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Announcer: MXC is back as the advertising toons battle the scary goons!
Vic: Thank you for noticing, Ken. I'm dressed as the Old Bard, the afterbath parfume for well-read men. Kenny, you told me you were going to dress up. I noticed you didn't.
Kenny: Yeah, well, I didn't want to look like a dork.
This scene was probably cut because Piss in Boots and Kosher Nose are right behind the two of them. Hack the Loogie is visible right at the beginning of the scene as well.
Vic: And now, "Intestinal Fortitude", the game where contestants work their way down the chute, avoid the polyps, evacuate through the orifice, and land safely on the absorbent pads below.
First up for the monster team is Redeye, the giant skin mite from the planet Scabie of the Psoriasis Nebula.
Kenny: His entire planet invaded my underwear at camp one year.
Vic: Good to know Ken. And there he goes down the chute, working his way. No polyp problems. Wrigles out the orifice, ooh, and a face full of fluids.
Kenny: That's petri dish drainage from a monster fertility clinic.
Vic: And first up for the mascots, that's Tommy Turdie of the Turdie triplets, for Swirling Dervish Toilet Bowl Astringent.
Kenny: He chokes out the stains, and turns the water a pleasant murky brown so you don't have to flush as often.
Vic: Right you are Ken. And there he is. He flushes himself out that orifice, right into that petri fluid. What a shame, let's take another look at that, a replay. You can see right here, he came out with so much force, he totally overshot the pad.
Kenny: Yeah, just pushed way too hard.
Vic: Right you are Ken. Next up, Frank N. Steinberg. He's a pre-op trans-monster. He's said ever since he can remember, he's felt like a monster trapped in a human's body.
Kenny: Yeah, he's only like 4 cadaver parts away from being finished.
Vic: Oh, and he has finished there with a win Ken. Look at that. Franky Steinberg, half man, half monster, but all winner. Let's look at that again as he comes right out of that orifice, plops right down on that pad, and sticks it. What a great competitor.
Kenny: Oh look Vic, he's totally showing off.
Vic: Actually, Ken, those are post-operative spasms. His organs are clearly rejecting what's left of his natural body. Don't worry, a little medication will take care of that. And next up is Buddy Bovine. He's the lovable spokesperson for Tripe Rinds.
Kenny: "Chewy and yummy 'cause their from the cow's tummy."
Vic: Oh, and it looks like Jimmy might need his mummy because he missed that pad big time, and that's our MXC Impact Replay.
Kenny: Yeah look right here Vic, he just squirted right out of there.
Vic: Right you are Ken, he was playing it way too loose. Let's take another look.
Kenny: The problem is he went head-first.
Vic: Right you are Ken. You never want to lead with your face when you're evacuating a strange orifice. Especially from that height. You're only asking for trouble.
Kenny: Yeah, or a bad case of pinkeye.
Vic: Right you are Ken. Next up, Count Vulvula.
Count: "My girlfriend's got the curse?" How would you know that, huh?
Vic: He's a blood-chugger from the bathing suit region of the Red River Valley.
Kenny: Yeah, one week a month, no woman is safe.
Vic: Right you are Ken, let's see if he can safely navigate this chute. There he is, wriggling, working his way down. He's out of the orifice. Oh! You'd think he'd be better with an absorbent pad. Oh, and he seems to be having some kind of reaction to the fluid.
Kenny: Must be garlic in there. Or maybe vinegar and water.
Vic: Right you are Ken. Next up, Harley the Carp, the mascot for "I Can't Believe It's Carp", the tangy butter substitute.
Kenny: "It covers my toast like a stinky fishy tarp, I know it's not butter, but I can't believe it's carp!"
Vic: Ah, good one Ken. And let's see how Harley can get down the chute. There he is, working his way out.
Kenny: He's crowning.
Vic: Right you are Ken. And, head-first, he is on the pad! And it looks like he's made it.
Kenny: He did it!
Vic: Let's take another look.
Kenny: Yeah, Vic, check out the muscular control. Just squeezing it back and forth and back and forth. And finally he relaxes and lets it go, just at the right moment. Ah, great movement.
Kenny: That was cool.
Vic: Right you are Ken. Just like dropping the kids off at the pool. So thanks to Harley the Carp, who flops, plops, but does not flounder, he scores another one for the mascots, but it's Frank N. Steinberg who keeps the monsters in it, but the mascots still lead it, number 2 to 1.
Announcer: When we come back, our contestants try to scratch out a win, with "Dry Balls". You keep touching that, it's just going to make it worse.
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Announcer: MXC returns with advertising symbols, battling monsters that are nimble.
Vic: Great show, huh Ken?
Kenny: Yeah.
Vic: And speaking of great shows, you and have got a new action-adventure series coming out, where we play "Snatch and Catchum".
Kenny: Yeah, we play billionaire bachelor spies that fight crime and get lots of chicks.
Vic: Let's take a look.
Kenny: Snatch, we must get to Supermodel Island and stop Dr. Poon.
Vic: Right, Catchum, before he can unleash his world-dominating plan.
Kenny: It's a bird.
Vic: Ken, that's not just any bird, that's Dr. Poon's evil robot crow with radioactive droppings. He's damaged our plane. Quick, bail out! Catchum, go into super glide power now.
Kenny: Ok, Snatch, activate your inflatable raft watch.
Vic: Right, Catchum!
Kenny: Good job, Snatch. That was close.
Vic: According to my calculations Catchum, Dr. Poon's island should be around here somewhere.
Catchum, please, don't look behind you.
Kenny: What? What is it?
Vic: Sharks can breed fear. He'll attack!
Kenny: Ah!
Vic: Ah!
Vic: Great work Ken. Very believable. You did your own stunts too.
Kenny: Yeah, I'm going to probably win a Grammy.
Vic: And Redeye here guest-stars as a victim of identity theft.
No doubt cut because of Redeye.
Jimmy Junk: Jimmy Junk here, time for "Dry Balls". We shoot a shriveled ball in the air, and the contestants try to catch it. Get well skipper!
Vic: Thanks Jimmy. First up for the monsters, it's Flacido Domingo, the one-eyed trouser monster.
Kenny: Yeah, he can only be killed with a silver zipper.
Vic: Oh!
Kenny: You'd think he'd be better with fly balls.
Vic: Right you are Ken. Next up, toilet stain choker Tommy Turdie. There he is, he starts out strong. In position, oh, and he takes a hard ball right in the chin, Ken. Let's look at that on the MXC Impact Replay.
Kenny: Yeah, if the object of the game was to watch the ball go through your hands, he would have won.
Vic: Apparently he's better with his hands in his job. Let's go down to Guy.
Guy: Pretend I am a horrible stain, and choke me out, would you? Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah!
Jimmy: I'm going to shoot my ball up there!
Vic: Alright, still no score for the monsters. Next up is Opposable Thumb Head.
Kenny: Oh, looks like he could have used a few fingers to go with it.
Vic: Right you are Ken. Let take another look. You can see here part of the problem. That horrible overbite, common among his species. As children they often develop the habit of sucking on their own heads. Next up, Piss in Boots. Oh, finishing a little business there in the box. And here he comes. Oh, his agile, cat-like reflexes didn't help him there Ken. What a shame.
Kenny: Yeah, just like a typical cat. I used to buy Mr. Sphincter toys like that and he'd just bat them away, then go spray in my underwear drawer.
Vic: Ah, it's an old story, Ken. Next up, Inoperable Tumora. A skin mole that grew a brain.
Kenny: My grandma has one of those under her chin.
Vic: Right you are Ken. Oddly enough, Tumora was biopsied from one of the chins of Nana Blankenship.
Kenny: Oh, I thought he looked familiar. Now here you can see the chemotherapy rotted it's foot and it fell off.
Vic: Not to worry, Ken. In about an hour he'll grow another one.
And back with Uncivil Liberty. He takes off nicely, discards his torch, oh, and it doesn't help him there.
Kenny: No, he went down on his thorny crown.
Vic: Next up, office creature Megatemp, a horrible Human Resource experiment gone awry.
Kenny: Yeah, it has the powers of 12 secretaries, but it only needs one paycheck.
Vic: Right you are, and he's made one great catch there Ken! Let's take a look at that on replay. Megatemp coming through for the monsters.
Kenny: Well, he's got kind of an unfair advantage.
Vic: Why, because he's got so many arms, Ken?
Kenny: No, he's ... tall.
Vic: Right you are Ken.
Kenny: Man, he's going to be high-fiving himself for the rest of the afternoon.
Vic: Next up, Diablo Person for for Mama Pendaholito's Hot Churro Pockets.
Kenny: Yeah, they taste good warm and moist.
Vic: Ooh, indeed they do Ken. Oh, she could have used a Pendaholito pocket there.
And here's Queerwig. He climbs into the ears of sleeping children and turns them into gay teens. Oh, he can't quite hang on there, that's got to be disappointing.
And once again, the Puskateer. Takes off nicely, he is lined up. Looks like he's got it, oh, Kenny, he can't quite hang on. A shame. Let's take a look at that on our MXC Impact Replay.
Kenny: Yeah, right here Vic. I think the ball might have landed on one of his sores.
Vic: Right you are Ken. Nothing more troubling than a high-speed orb hitting you on a canker. Well, be that as it may, thanks to the scientifically enhanced work of Megatemp, the monsters have tied it up 2 to 2.
Announcer: Coming up, it's the excruciating, "The Impassable Stones of Mount McKidney". Oh, that's going to hurt!
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Announcer: MXC is back with the final round as the monsters battle the commercial icons.
Another Snatch and Ketchum cartoon.
Both: Ahh!
Kenny: Run, Snatch, save yourself.
Vic: Right you are Catchum.
Kenny: Ah, Snatch, help! I'm being chased by a mustached supermodel.
Vic: Hang on Catchum, hang on, while I finish off Dr. Poon. That that you Poon! Take that Poon!
All I can figure is that they didn’t show the puppet scene because they couldn’t show the following scene, because it has Piss in Boots and Opposable Thumb Head in the background.
Kenny: Wow, that was awesome, huh Vic?
Vic: Indeed. Great stuff there Ken. You really got into your character.
Kenny: Yeah, my hair was cool too.
Vic: Indeed it was.
Kenny: Yeah, you had some really cool acting gestures.
Vic: Well, acting is visualizing. See that? Seeing things that aren't there. Here, watch again. Haha. Now let's go to the impossible stones of Mount McKidney.
Commander Penetrant: Thank you Vic, thank you Kenny! The object is to get up the hill, and squeeze by me and my asteroids while we pelt you with giant stones. Ok, moving on!
Vic: Thank you Commander Penetrant. First up for the monsters, Childhood Fears.
Commander: Ready and come!
Vic: There's Monster Under The Bed, the Closet Monster, and Drunk Step-Dad.
Kenny: My step-dad was always under the bed.
Vic: That is scary Ken.
Kenny: Yeah, he would just lay there and breath.
Vic: Creepy stuff. And there's the Closet Monster taking the lead, climbing up fearlessly. And right there, he takes a kidney stone to the chin and he's down Ken. That leaves two more of the fears. The Monster Under The Bed is down as well, and that leaves Drunk Step-dad staggering, aimlessly, lumbering, he's confused and angry.
Kenny: Oh, I think he passed out.
Vic: Indeed he did Ken. And here come the mascots. That's Pitts, the Dirty Martini Olive, Pachadermis, the skin-treatment for post-menopausal women, and Hack the Laughing Loogie, for Grupe's Mentholated Lung Salves.
Kenny: I love the taste of that stuff.
Vic: Right you are Ken. There they are moving up nicely. Pitts the Martini taking the lead. Oh, Pachadermis, taking it head on, tusk first. He's got a lot of junk in his trunk it sounds like. And there goes Pitts, spinning around, a nice spin move. Oh, he seems disoriented, he's down.
Kenny: I think he lost his pimento.
Vic: You might be right and Pachydermis down as well. Oh!
Kenny: That Loogie got launched down the mountain.
Vic: Indeed it did Ken. Let's look over here. Oh, it looks like Commander Penetrant might have taken one on the hip. He seems to be ok, some of the asteroids helping him up there. Let's take a second to look at that run. You can see Pitts, a nice swizel move there. Oh, just a little bit of a twist, and not enough. Loses his pimento. Pachydermis down right next to him.
Kenny: I think the smell from the olive knocked him out.
Vic: A putrid smell he'll never forget. And the next batch of monsters are ready to go.
Commander: I know what you're doing.
Vic: We've got Redeye, the giant skin mite, Tupacashaft, star of monsploitation films of the 1970s, Uptown Jurassic Park, and Superfly That Ate Detroit, and of course, Queerwig on the outside. Here comes Redeye, challenging nicely. That is one mighty skin mite Ken.
Kenny: He's got some moves.
Vic: Indeed he does. Look at that claw work. Oh, Queerwig, just doesn't like confrontation it appears. There we go, Tupacashaft knocked on his Biggie Smalls. Redeye is down as well.
Kenny: Oh, and Queerwig just can't wait to go down.
Vic: Right you are. Oh, they're having some trouble with Redeye there. Just can't stand to lose. And here we go for the mascots, their last chance.
Commander: What are you, gay?
Vic: No, actually they're brothers. It's Tommy, Troy, and Bulsha, the Turdie brothers, for Swirling Dirvish Bowl Cleaners. Oh, look at that unique hoping style they're employing there Ken.
Kenny: Yeah, that's the technique they use to break up thick and crusty swirl marks at the bottom of your toilet.
Vic: That's good to know Ken. Here comes Tommy. But look right there, there's Troy Turdie with a nice spinning Swirling Dirvish move. But right there, oh, Tommy, takes a big impact to the face, and he is going down on his back Ken, and he is taking it hard. But look here, here's the story, Troy Turdie winning it for the mascots. Let's look again on the MXC Impact replay. Nice Swirling Dirvish move by Troy, and there, Tommy Turdie.
Kenny: Oh, look at the skid marks he's leaving.
Vic: Indeed Ken. But it was all for a good cause, as the Turdie Brothers, Tommy, Troy, and Bulsha scare the monsters off the board and win it for the mascots.
Vic: Monsters, mascots, it's been a great show.
Kenny: Hey, Vic, I'm a corporate mascot.
Vic: Ah, for what product, Ken?
Kenny: For my Awesome Top 10.
Vic: It's time for Kenny Blankenship's Painful Eliminations of the Day.
Kenny: And the carnage begins with number 10. Here's Indian Casino Chief Morongo Pechanga, who flaps and flogs his pole, making him second of the last of the Mohicans.
At number 9, it's Buddy Bovine. Buddy Bovine, the pig adder. He tries to squeak out a win in "Intestinal Fortitude." He almost misses the bowl, boiling over with bile.
And number 8 goes to hip-hoppy Turdie Brothers. Here's Tommy Turdie getting tagged and steamrolled by a two-ton tumbler. Ow! What a turdie!
no video for #7
And number 7, look out. It's the evil, hooded monster. After hitting those rocks, he lost a pound of flesh. Lucky he could still lift his head.
And blasting in at number 6, is cold sore lance, the Puskateer, who tries to keep his record unblemished, but gets popped in the face and says "That's zit!"
And number 5, it's part man, part shark, the Jawbreaker monster. Talk about taking a bite out of the competition. This dude was swallowed whole, and you know what that tastes like.
And number 4, look who's back, it's Tommy Turdie. He tries to cup his hands for a whack at the ball, but the ball smacks him right in the chin. I'm sure it's not the first time.
no video for #3
And number 3 goes to one of my faves, Hock, the Green Loogie. This was a tough loss for Loggie to swallow. Getting hit with that massive lunger made him spitting mad.
And flaming in at number 2 is Harlie the Carp, who goes into the dumper with this run. He tried to clinch victory, but lost control, and is gushed out like a geyser.
And my number 1 most monstrously painful elimination of the day goes to the Statue of Uncivil Liberty. Just look at Lady Unlucky drop to her knees and go down. Forget the huddled masses, this pillar of the community is trying to keep her head above water, and yearning to breath free herself. Let freedom stop ringing in her head. Somebody check her green card.
DVD is zoomed in to avoid Redeye, who is in the background.
Vic: Wow, great Top 10 work as always Ken.
Hey, Kosher Nose, why don't you meet us at the chair?
Kenny: Yeah, come on, Kosher Nose.
Vic: Don't be shy, Kosher Nose. Huddle up here.
DVD adds Vic saying "What do we always say?" The scene fades to black, and the words are displayed on the screen with the next line. You can hear Kosher Nose’s oinking, even though he never gets shown.
All: "Don't get eliminated!"
CUT MONSTERS:
Alazilla Babaganoush
The Childhood Fears: From Left, Monster Under The Bed, The Closet Monster, and Drunk Step-dad
Clamula the Giant Hairless Clam
Commander Penetrant and the Asteroids
Flemlazor
Inoperable Tumera
Opposable Thumb Head
Piss in Boots 1
Piss in Boots 2
Pitts the Dirty Olive(who appears in Sinkers and Floaters), Pachydermis, and Hack the Laughing Loogie (obviously Slimer from Ghostbusters)
Queerwig
Kosher Nose (with Redeye behind him)
Redeye
Shmegmo the evil flesh-hooded monster
Tupacashaft (Godzilla?)
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